Thursday, April 19, 2007

Finally a Solution . . .

Our American culture is driven by supply and demand. Find a need, and meet it. If you can do that, you will be successful. (Unless, of course the need you find is your own need to be unsuccessful. But even then you would be successful at being unsuccessful.)

I often think about the guy who marketed the commercial toilette paper roll, rather than the 4-inch, 1-ply squares we used to have in the school bathrooms. (Side Note: If we increase educational funding could schools afford stall doors?)

What about the shear genius of the guy that invented cheese-in-a-can! He saw a need, and he met it.

Well men, that was not the end. Another genius has risen to the occasion. Your days of postal embarrassment are over. Let me explain . . .

On any given day you may walk into the Post Office to buy a couple of stamps to mail your bills, a letter, or whatever. You ask for the number of stamps that you’d like. You have the change already counted out in your hand. You find out stamps have gone up in price again since the last time you bought some. After handing over the correct change, the trouble begins.

Looking at the stamps you realize you’ve received one commemorative stamp of the only known picture of Eleanor Roosevelt smiling, one stamp of a dolphin jumping over a unicorn, and an oversized stamp the size of a soda cracker with a quilted heart on the front, and a stenciled message that reads, “Postage paid by an effeminate male.”

I’ve got to tell you this was not the message I intended to send. I don’t want the people at the satellite company to make any assumptions when they get my bill, and sign me up for a free upgrade of the Lifetime network! I’m a guy. I’m male without the “fe.” (I would reference the song “Macho Man” from 1978, but I’m afraid that might contradict my argument.)

Men, you never have to experience this trauma again. As of May 25th a fantastic solution will eliminate female domination of stamp design.

It is Star Wars Stamps. No more oversized girly stamps. No more embarrassing stamp-based assumptions.

From now on there will be no questions. There will be no doubt. Step aside toilette paper roller guy! Not so fast cheese-in-a-can man! George Lucas (I’d like to believe with the help of George W.) has done it again. Your letters will now say, “This mail was mailed by a male.” (With very high midi-chlorian levels!)

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